emptiness (noun) - the quality of having no value or purpose; futility
//hello, it's been a while. this might not make much sense and may just be a word dump. who knows.//
there has been so much noise going on inside my head, but at the same time, complete silence. i've been in a constant state of feeling everything and nothing simultaneously and it's frustrating and upsetting and mind numbingly pointless.
for so long, i've been running on pure hatred and resentment. towards my abuser, my mother and her family. towards myself, and my feelings. the only feeling i've ever felt about myself is hatred. i've hated myself for as long as I can remember. feeling like a disgusting, used, impure, weak, waste of space is something that has been a norm for me since I was in kindergarten.
that poison ebbs and flows in my bloodstream, in every crevice of my mind. it covers my eyes when I look in the mirror. it drips over my thoughts, and warps them.
sometimes, I think that maybe I'll be able to find someone who loves me. someone who will look at me and think I'm beautiful, and worth it. but then a droplet of that poison falls down. the nice hopeful thoughts start to sizzle, then melt away, and all that's left is an ugly disgusting bubbling puddle, and bitterness towards the fact that I even had the audacity to think I was worth something in the first place. because who in their right mind would even consider loving me? I don't have anything to offer. I don't have anything at all.
it's hard to try and make something of myself when I don't think I'm even worth the space I take up on this planet.
I don't know how to love myself. I don't even know how to like myself. i'm locked in a constant cycle of building myself up, just to immediately tear myself back down again.
an emptiness has settled into my bones, and in my chest. and it hurts.
it doesn't even make sense. how can I feel physically hollow? and why is it so painful?
I don't know what to do about all of these feelings, and thoughts. they're a part of who I am. they've eaten up my hopes and dreams, and left nothing in their wake. not even a small crumb to go off of.
I'm completely and utterly lost. and I have been for a very long time.
every time I think I'm worth saving, that maybe I should try and find a map out of this void I've trapped myself in, I second guess myself. the truth is, I don't even know where to start, or if I'm even ready to begin.
it's embarrassing to admit that I'm this lost at sea. that I'm afraid to try and love myself because I'm afraid to fail at it.
all I've ever done to myself, is bring myself down. I want to defy gravity, but the heavy feeling that has made its home in my bones and chest keeps me grounded. every time I think I can fly, I fall. each time harder than before. to the point where I gave up because the constant failures just cemented the thought that I'm worthless.
falling is so easy, but unfortunately there's only one way up.
