reputation: IV

façade (noun) - an outward appearance that is maintained to conceal a less pleasant or creditable reality

“you’re so lucky to have such a good grandfather” 

“your grandfather is a perfect example of how a Christian man should be”

“your grandfather is so loving and attentive towards you” 

I heard things of that nature for the majority of my childhood. my grandfather was heavily involved in the Southern Baptist church that my family attended. he was a well respected member of the community. everybody knew him. everybody liked him. everybody thought he was wonderful. 

he had them all fooled.

he was not a “good christian man.” no good man, christian or otherwise, would repeatedly molest his own granddaughter when she was the ages of 5-11. 

he was a monster that used his false pious reputation as a weapon to gain power and status in the church community.

christianity was not his guide, it was his shield. 

since he was such a respected member of the community, he could get away with anything. the congregation would never suspect that he was a pedophile. in their eyes, someone as religious as him could never do such a thing. he had the ultimate immunity. and he knew that. 

in Alabama, the Southern Baptists reign supreme above all else. even the law. if you had a good church reputation, you had power and influence. you had the benefit of the doubt in everything.

church was not a place of worship for my grandfather, grandmother, mother, and aunts. it was a social club. and they spent their whole lives climbing up the social hierarchy. cultivating a “good christian” reputation. charming people with their pretty smiles and soft southern accents. the only thing they cared about was maintaining that carefully crafted lie.

when I was 11 and finally had the courage to tell my mother and her family that my grandfather was sexually abusing me, when he admitted his guilt, I thought that things would get better. that my family would help me. they didn’t.   

instead, they instantly went into damage control mode. they tried to keep this “situation” quiet. their christian reputation was more important than my safety, my security, my life. they could not let anybody know that their perfectly cultivated false image of a happily functioning loving family was an intricate illusion.

I was a child, and I posed an extreme threat to their made up world. I was real, and what had been done to me was real. they needed to stomp out the fire already threatening to burn out in my eyes before I ruined them for good.

And so they went to work. fluttering their eyelashes, crying crocodile tears, managing to convince the rest of the family members to not report my abuser to the police. “this should be handled within the family,” they said. “we can’t let this get out,” they said. they worked out a deal with some loser psychiatrist. he would take on both me and my abuser as patients, and he wouldn’t report the abuse to the police.

sometimes, the psychiatrist would talk to me about his sessions with my molester. “your grandfather sat on that couch yesterday and cried because he’s so sorry for what happened.” “you should forgive your grandfather, it wasn’t his fault. he is a good christian and made a mistake.” “sometimes you need to take responsibility too.” 

He never told me it wasn’t my fault. Nobody did. 

the only thing he made me realize was that the man who had sexually abused and defiled me, the man who had ripped my innocence from my hands, was free. the monster that inhabited my bed was as free as I was. 

he lived in the same city. he knew where my house was. he knew where I went to school. he knew where I took dance lessons. he knew it all. and he was free. 

he molested me. he threatened me. and he was free. he was capable of anything. he molested his own granddaughter for six years. his hands were grotesque weapons; there was nothing they left untainted or unmarked. and he was free.

the monster that repeatedly tortured and molested me for the entirety of my childhood was walking around freely, disguised in the skin suit of a “good christian man.” 

my mother, grandmother, and aunts sacrificed my safety and well being in order to protect their treasured “christian” reputation.