unbreakable: V

courage (noun) - strength in the face of pain or grief

I’ve never really viewed myself in a positive light. my grandfather liked to remind me how weak I was whenever he got the chance. 

“you’re useless” “you’re just a toy” “you mean nothing” “you are nothing” “you are a child whore” “you’re disgusting” “you will never be loved”  

that mantra beaten into my brain, repeatedly. poisoned words invading my every thought. day after day, for six years. 

after hearing those things for so long, I started to believe them to be true.

he was right. I was weak. I was powerless. I was an object. 

I was a child. and he was the boogeyman.

I thought that when it finally came out that he had been sexually abusing me he would have his power stripped away. I thought he would go to jail. I thought he would pay for the atrocities he committed, that he would be held accountable for each mark he left upon my skin. each piece of innocence he stole from me.

that did not happen. 

my mother and her family betrayed me, an 11 year old child, and chose to protect my abuser. 

he repeatedly sexually abused his own granddaughter for 6 consecutive years but he did not go to jail. he was not registered as a sex offender. he was free. and I could do nothing about it.

my abuser thought he had won. he thought that he had taken away any kind of fight from me.

but that was then. and this is now. 

as a child I did not have the strength, or courage to take back the fire he stole from me. as an adult, however, I can use the building resentment, fear, hatred, and anger to turn the tides and split the sky.

when I was a child, nobody fought for me. so as an adult, I will fight for myself.

in 2016 I took the first step in taking back my power. I sued my grandfather, my abuser, in civil court. I also sued my grandmother, his enabler, in civil court.

assault and battery. intentional infliction of emotional distress. negligence.

it was terrifying. but it was liberating. this was my fight. 

no matter the turn out in court, I had already won the war against my abuser the second the lawsuit was filed. 

I was now the one standing over him. in power. tall, looming, and unshakable. my shadow, dark, casting over his entire miserable existence.  

my message to him ringing out loud and clear:

as a child, you may have stolen everything from me. but I am unbreakable, and I will rise from any abyss you try to drown me in.